We’re Getting a Divorce

‘Kids, we’re getting a divorce.’ Some of the most difficult words you will say to your child/children.

When is the best time to tell your child that you are getting a divorce? And how is the best way to tell them? Most children are precocious, and often know separation and divorce is coming even before you share the “news.” Children are aware of words spoken and unspoken, changes in behaviour, contentious conversations, and shifts in the family dynamic.

While children are resilient in nature, they still require reassurance, validation and emotional support when learning that there are major changes coming in their family.

Reassurance

Tell your child that divorce is an adult issue, and that they are not the cause of the separation. Remind your child that nothing they did or said is the reason that you are choosing to separate.

Emotional support

Explore counselling for your child or child and youth support within their school. Children may also benefit from supportive group counselling to help normalize divorce, as well as the many feelings they are experiencing.

Validate

Your child is likely going to experience a rollercoaster of emotions after learning that you are leaving their other parent. Normalize having an emotional response to learning this news and listen to your child’s feelings. Tell them it is ok to feel upset, angry, sad, frustrated, confused and any other emotion. Above all, tell your child that you and their other parent love them very much.

KEEP ADULT ISSUES BETWEEN THE ADULTS!

Many studies have shown that some children who are exposed to parental conflict, as well as privy to adult issues, have difficulty regulating their emotions, struggle with their own intimate/peer relationships, and sometimes engage in illegal behaviour. Do your best to shelter your child from conflict, animosity, and your own feelings; do not burden them with your adult issues; and communicate with the other parent in a cordial, courteous and respectful manner.

Do tell your child:

Our family has changed, but you’re still part of a family.

You didn’t cause us to separate.
You don’t have to choose between us just because they don’t live together anymore.
It is normal and ok to be sad or angry about the situation.
It is not your job to try to make me happy.
You are not alone; many other children go through this change.
Your thoughts and feelings are important! Your voice counts. It’s ok to talk about what you’re feeling.

Do not:

Talk negatively to your child about their other parent.

Talk to your child about finances, reasons for separation, mental health, substance abuse, or adult issues.
Rely on your child to support your feelings of discomfort.
Treat your child as though they are your own therapist. Your child needs you to support and validate their feelings. They do not have the capacity and ability to support yours.

For information about what to say/not say to your child about their other parent, take the Warshak test: Take the Warshak Test Before Talking to Children About Your Ex.