Sooooo, your child said the thing. Or maybe they said it to their other parent.
Both suck.
Both are heavy.
And both linger.
I’ve been there.
Let’s explore this. There’s a very good chance your child doesn’t mean it. Hear me out.
Children are born with a highly active emotional brain, which is already functioning from birth. These neural pathways are already well defined. Meaning that kids do not need to learn how to feel their emotions. From anger, to frustration, to disappointment, to overwhelm, to sadness, to fatigue, children can experience a range of emotions from a very young age.
The neural pathways required to understand, express, and regulate those emotions takes decades to mature. These skills continue to develop and mature throughout childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.
Buckle up. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
Exploring the emotion, impact, and intentions underneath the words may help you to understand and navigate the situation better.
First, Don’t Take It Personally!
Easier said than done, I know.
I understand how painful these words feel, especially coming from the child who you likely do everything for.
How do you not take it personal when the words feel like they hit you right in the gut?!
When our child says something hurtful to us, all of our natural instincts kick in. Our brain is flooded with signals to help us get out of this mess because it perceives the situation as dangerous. And when in danger, we all need protection.
But wait.
Our child’s words are not dangerous. They’re just words.
But, our brain doesn’t know the difference between hurtful words and physical danger. That’s survival. We can’t turn that off, but what we can do is teach our brain to recognize the difference between real danger and an uncomfortable, stressful, and difficult environment.
Just like our child’s brain doesn’t know if they are overwhelmed with big emotions or they’re in physical danger.
Understanding and intercepting the difference in your brain (and helping your child learn these skills) takes practice. A whole lot of it.
Start by telling yourself, ‘It’s not personal, it’s developmental.’
Say it again, ‘it’s not personal, it’s developmental.’
Your child is not trying to be mean.
Or hurtful.
Or a ‘you know what.’
They are learning what to do with big emotions. And what to do when things get hard and overwhelming. That’s development.
Staying Calm When You’re Anything But Calm
Of course you’re triggered by your child’s hurtful words. You’re human!
Understandably so. And you are not the first parent to be triggered by your child’s emotions and words.
Two things can be true. You can be triggered AND respond in ways that help your child and defuse the situation. Here’s how:
- Regulate Yourself First. Take a deep breath. Go in the backyard. Pet your orange cat. Take a drink of ice-cold diet coke. Picture your happy place. Go into another room. Play your favourite song. A dysregulated parent cannot help a dysregulated child.
- Lower Your Voice. It’s science. If your nervous system is calm and quiet, your child will borrow your calm and quiet. Model what you want to see. Big and loud voices fuel big and loud responses, so lowering your voice can turn down the emotions and energy.
- The Power Of Pause. Pause before you respond. Or in some cases, just stay paused. Some kids will begin to deescalate when they see that their words are not met with a reaction.
- Look At Your Child’s Body. Pause and look at how small your child’s hands and feet are. A really good reminder that they are just little people. Little people who are having hard moments and love you dearly. Love is stronger than anger. (My favourite thing to say to my kids).
- Do nothing. Yep, that’s it. Just be present with them. And breathe.
If correction is still needed, it can be done when your child is in a more regulated state, and able to engage in a productive conversation. I’ll talk about this more later.
All of these can help prevent a difficult moment from becoming the power struggle that nobody wants.
What To Say When Your Child Says ‘I Hate You’
Remember that kids borrow the calm from their parent’s nervous system. So, the more regulated you are, the quicker you and your child will move through this.
Do less. Say nothing. But make sure your face and body are open, relaxed, and empathetic versus steaming with anger and agitation.
And, if you’re regulated and want to offer verbal support, trying saying things like:
“Wow, you’re really angry with me right now.”
“All emotions are welcome. All behaviours are not.”
“Take a minute if you need one. Then, we’ll try again.”
“You can be angry and still be kind.”
“You don’t have to like my decision. That’s ok.”
Validating feelings does not excuse the behaviour. You can still hold boundaries while acknowledging that your child is having big feelings.
But correction and accountability have a time and place, and I promise you it is not in the heat of the moment.
What Not To Say
Resist the urge to react and give a consequence.
It can be so tempting to say things like:
“How dare you!”
“Go to your room now!”
“After everything I do for you!”
“You’ve lost your bike for a week!”
“I don’t like you very much right now either.”
Despite how naturally these responses come, they escalate the situation. They show your child that when things get difficult, mean and hurtful is the only option.
Reactions like this can be overly punitive when you consider your child’s very underdeveloped brain. And at the end of the day, consequences and big reactions still do not teach your child what do with big feelings.
Remember, the behaviour is a symptom of the problem. Spending the time to understand what is underneath the behaviour will help you better support your child in these tough moments.
If a consequence or correction is still needed, it can happen when your child is regulated, giving them best chance of learning what to do with big emotions.
Take A Look Beyond The Words
Consider the trigger.
What happened right before they said “I hate you.”
Did they get into trouble? Were they asked to stop playing? Were they told to leave their sibling alone? Were they struggling with a transition? Were they told ‘no’? Were they feeling embarrassed? Were they feeling unheard? Were they tired? Were they overstimulated? Were they testing boundaries?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these. It’s likely that their emotions jumped in before their problem-solving brain could stop them.
Teach Your Child Better Words For Big Feelings
Offer an alternative for when feelings get too big. Teach your child that they cannot say “I hate you,” but they can say:
“I’m really mad at you.”
“I don’t think that’s fair.”
“I need some space.”
“Please leave me alone.”
Connection Before Correction
The reality is that children need both.
But timing is everything.
If you try to correct when they’re mad, sad, tired, or just having a hard time, it isn’t going to land. And you’re likely going to add to your own frustration, making a tough situation even tougher.
That’s not because of a lack of effort, it’s that their emotional brain is highly active and “online” and the part of the brain responsible for understanding, processing, and regulation is “offline.”
When emotions are high, your child’s ability to take in criticism, process that feedback, and engage in a productive conversation is next to impossible. In fact, they may perceive this correction as DANGER and will sometimes escalate.
If we try to correct while our children when in this state, it won’t work. Trust me. That’s survival.
But, there’s an up-side.
Connecting with our children when they’re having a hard time can significantly help the executive functions (understanding, processing, and regulation) to come back online. Meaning that they will get through this rough patch faster.
The Power Of Repair
You’re not a failure. You were overstimulated.
Say it again.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. If you’ve made it this far in the blog, it actually tells me that you’re a pretty damn good parent.
And if you didn’t get it right the first time, don’t beat yourself up. You can always go back.
“People don’t remember your words. They remember how you made them feel.” So give yourself a chance to repair, to make them feel loved, and to make it right.
Hurtful Words Are A Sign of Safety
As parents, sometimes we look at hurtful words and think that we are doing something wrong in our house. Or that there is something wrong with our children. Or maybe there is something wrong with us?
But the difficult words and behaviours show up because home is the safest place. The safest place to have the meltdown. The safest place to be irritable. The safest place to be defiant. The safest place to talk back. And the safest place to be angry.
Remember, you are their safe place to land when the world gets tough.
The Bigger Lesson
The goal is not to prevent your child from saying hurtful things.
It’s to help them learn that big feelings can exist and that compassion is not earned for perfect self-control. Connection can still be given in moments of difficulty.
When To Consider Support
If your child is repeatedly aggressive, emotionally explosive, in a constant state of emotional distress, and has notable behaviour changes, and you are feeling stuck in helping them, it may be time to consider support.
At Brock Counselling, Child and Family Therapy, we offer counselling and therapy for children, teens, and parents navigating big emotions. As a team of Registered Social Workers and Therapists, we are experienced in play therapy, CBT, emotion-focused approaches, and parenting support.
Individual sessions are $165 and family sessions are $190, both 50 minutes. We are available Monday through Saturday, including evening hours on weekdays. To book a free 15-minute phone consultation or to get in touch, reach us at info@brockcounselling.ca or call/text 905-320-2342.
Your family does not have to navigate this alone.
Related reading: Parenting Support | Parent & Teen Conflict | Parenting a Child with Anxiety