The days are warm, the nights are long, and are filled with summer camps, cottages, family vacations, rest, lots of play, and parents taking time away from work. Sadly, these days are numbered. Schedules, routine, and structure are just around the corner as children and teens all over the country head back to school.
It is an exciting time! For some, school brings a level of joy, play, achievement, and social connection that is important for a child’s healthy growth and development.
Unfortunately, for others, school brings mixed and escalated emotions and somatic symptoms like headaches, stomach pains, body aches, and sleep disturbances.
It is important to understand why this transition is effortless and fun for some families, while challenging for others.
What’s happening in the brain?
Whether they are beginning JK or transferring from another school system, for children who are new to the school setting, this is a huge change.
For returning children and teens, even with knowledge and familiarity with the school day’s routine and expectations, it is still a massive adjustment from the typically less structured routine of the summer months.
On a brain level, this transition is so profound. It accelerates brain plasticity and core brain functions, meaning young brains work overtime during (and after) school hours to adapt to new routines, new teachers, new and old friendships, academic requirements, after-school care, and the rigidity of the school day.
This overtime work can often show up as emotional dysregulation, meaning that your child has trouble managing their emotions. This can range from sadness to explosive anger. Remember that when emotional dysregulation happens, it is a parent’s first sign that something is off. And if your child has just transitioned to school, you can add it to your suspicions about why they are struggling.
Why do big feelings show up?
Kids, like many adults, can “hold it together” well in new settings. Regardless, maintaining composure and “putting on a happy face” takes a lot of mental energy. So, when the school day is over and your child or teen returns to the safe, comfortable environment of their home, it is no surprise that feelings and the truths about their day are likely to unravel.
For some, it is a negligible difference – children may be tired, quiet, and want extra cuddles. Other children experience significant emotional swings and have difficulty functioning, communicating, and even nourishing their bodies.
All presentations are normative and can be supported in similar ways.
Protect sleep! (Trust me on this one).
Rule number one: Protect and prioritize sleep. It is your best defence for managing emotions.
New routines and transitions require extra mental energy, so you may notice that your kids (big and small) are especially tired the first few days or weeks of school. This is completely normative. To accommodate for this, plan for early bedtimes, slow evenings, and minimal commitments and expectations for the first week (or two). It’s that simple.
Have you ever wondered why sports and after-school activities don’t resume until mid to end of September? I don’t have any concrete evidence, but I would suspect it is to allow kids to adjust to the new school routines before resuming- or introducing a new activity.
The importance of routine and consistency
Children and teens thrive in environments with established routines and consistency. Who are we kidding – adults do too!
Do you know why? Because the brain loves predictability. When there are predictable outcomes, the brain uses less energy and allows for more time to rest. Predictability removes the element of surprise and allows the brain to remain in a low-energy state, which helps to manage overall cortisol levels.
Cortisol is the brain’s primary stress hormone and is triggered in dangerous situations – i.e., a house fire, a car accident, seeing a bear. Have you ever heard of the “fight or flight” response? This reaction is powered by cortisol. In times of danger, cortisol and our “fight or flight” response help us get to a place of safety.
Unfortunately, cortisol is very sensitive and can be triggered in situations that are not dangerous (friendship challenges, your kid didn’t get the teacher they wanted, their clothes “don’t feel right,” arguments with siblings, being “on” all day at school, and even fatigue).
Establishing a consistent after-school routine can help you reduce your child’s cortisol levels and support their emotional regulation. The routine doesn’t have to be overly complicated, either. I developed a simple formula:
FTR
F: Food
T: Task
R: Rest
Here is an example of an after-school routine:
3:30/4pm – Snack (food)
4:30pm – Shower/bath and pjs (task)
5pm – Quiet activity – reading, doing a puzzle, playing lego, watching TV (rest)
5:30/6pm – Dinner (food)
6:30pm – Brush teeth (task)
7pm – Books (rest)
7:15/7:30pm – Bed.
As a mom of 2, this routine works best for us. My kids do a lot better when their “tasks” (shower and pjs) are done before dinner. If we wait until after dinner, they are often too tired, and it can make the evening last much longer, resulting in more emotions at bedtime (for parents and kids).
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that children will not struggle if you have the routine and consistency down pat. But it will make a difference in their (and your) ability to cope.
If there is one thing you can control as your children return to school, it’s this. Routine and consistency. If you can follow the same after-school routine every day or nearly every day, it will help your kids (and you) manage emotions, resulting in more time to connect and enjoy each other.
Validating feelings
Parents, as well-intentioned as you are, sometimes have a tendency of minimizing your kid’s feelings. No offence. Phrases like “it’s not a big deal” and “don’t worry about it” and “you’ll be fine” and “it won’t be that bad” roll off the tongue. But they’re doing more damage than you think. Minimizing emotions can result in a kid feeling disconnected from their parent. Kids often think that parents “just don’t get it” when they are met with these phrases. As a result, kids sit in their emotional discomfort longer.
I get it! When your kid comes to you in a moment of weakness, it can feel very intimidating, overwhelming, and a lot of pressure to fix their problem! Sometimes it seems easier to avoid talking about their feelings altogether.
Why?
Maybe their emotional pain causes you emotional pain?
And maybe you don’t really know what to say (and you certainly don’t want to make things worse, do you)?
And maybe you weren’t taught how to respond to emotional pain (vulnerability, sadness, anger)?
And maybe your response doesn’t immediately fix things, and then what?
Let’s talk basics about emotions:
- They are an internal alarm system that provides us with information about ourselves, and the world.
- They rise and they fall, and that is their nature.
- They help us survive by providing quick, automatic responses to important situations.
- They are meant to be felt and expressed so they can “run their course” and resume flexibility.
Emotions live in a part of the brain called “the amygdala.” While logic and problem-solving live in the “prefrontal cortex.” When kids (and adults) are triggered by an emotional situation, the prefrontal cortex goes “offline,” leaving emotions to deal with the situation. Spoiler alert. Emotions are not great problem-solvers. By validating your kids’ feelings, parents can help the prefrontal cortex come back online, giving kids the ability to problem-solve their own situation. Win win!
How do I validate? It’s easy! The next time your kid comes to you with a problem, try acknowledging and validating their feelings. “It looks like you’re having a hard time,” “I can understand why you are sad,” “No wonder you are so angry,” “It’s hard to be a kid.”
Remember that validation leads to stronger connections. Try it.
One-on-one connection
Children of all ages and stages want two things from their parents. Attention and control.
Imagine your kid having two imaginary buckets inside of them. One for attention and one for control. The goal is to fill each bucket, every day, so kids feel emotionally secure, validated, and loved.
All day long, when kids are at school, they are expected to follow the school schedule, listen to the teachers, participate in the lesson/activity, and eat their lunch at a prescribed time (not when they feel hungry). Their sense of control and individual attention given to them is so limited during school hours, as they are expected to follow along, whether they like it or not. Though kids have unstructured outside play time, this is not enough to balance the demands of the school day.
If your child returns from school with an “empty tank,” or they’re having big emotions, or they appear to be struggling, or they are not themselves, parents have an opportunity to fill these two buckets by spending one-on-one time with them.
How do you do that? First, find a block of time (10, 15, or 20 minutes, more if you can).
Attention: Plan to give your child ALL your attention during this time. No phones. No work. No spouse. No siblings. No household demands. It is just you and your child. That’s it.
Control: Let your child pick the activity. Engage in their world. Ask questions. Be curious. Be silly. Do not give your opinions or feedback. Just play.
(*The only time you should intervene is if the activity can cause harm to you or your child).
Most kids like creative and imaginative play, so give this one-on-one time a special name. “Mommy and me time.” “Daddy and me special time.” Anything that sticks and then sit back and watch this special connection transform your child-parent dynamic.
Are you interested in learning more about how to support your child with a successful back to school? If so, reach out!
At Brock Counselling, we offer counselling and therapy for children, youth, and parents navigating transitions, including back-to-school. As a team of Registered Social Workers and Therapists, we are experienced in play therapy, trauma-informed CBT, emotion-focused approaches, and parenting support.
Individual sessions are $165 and family sessions are $190, both 50 minutes. We are available Monday through Saturday, including evening hours on weekdays. To book a free 15-minute phone consultation or to get in touch, reach us at info@brockcounselling.ca or text 905-320-2342.
Your family does not have to navigate this alone.